the good and the terrible

So excited to be making an album again. The drums, bass, and guitar are recorded. I'm dedicating July to lead and harmony vocals and whatever other textures the songs are asking for. Output is input ... I feel nourished when I create. Thank you for helping me do that and share it.

The past year has been incredibly challenging. So much loss. I lost my best friend and my grand father, and extricated myself from a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I've learned how fragile and flexible I am. How vulnerable and strong. How cracked and malleable. How self-loathing and assertive. How defeated and unstoppable. How scared and outspoken. How much I can trust myself and doubt myself. How much grief I can feel all at once without crumbling underneath it. How joy can find the cracks in the walls of sadness and make its way through - lighting an ember that keeps me hopeful that I won't always be in this much pain. 

I've found that my community wants me to be silent about abuse. I've lost close friends. I've been told to be quiet and figure it out on my own. I've fought against that and spoken out anyway. Its terrifying but its better than giving up.

I've been thinking a lot about supporting victims of abuse. We, as people in general, can feel so inclined to give advice. We think thats what is helpful. We think we know best. Victims have had their voice taken from them and we need to give it back. We need to trust them. We need to ask them what they need and trust their words. We need to trust them because they are having a hard time trusting themselves. Because they fighting for their lives. I'm writing a zine about intimate partner violence and how to respond to it in community. I'm excited to be working on something that might help make this process easier for other people. I have collaborators who are also survivors.

Thanks for reading and for supporting my art. Rest assured that I am making music about all of this.

In gratitude - z