Fear Compass

The way I make decisions has always been in response to fear. It's not what you might think, it's not logical. I don't avoid the things I fear, I move towards them. It's not fear for my physical safety that I am attracted to. I'm not one for risking my life for a thrill - it's emotional safety. I figure if I'm scared to do something, it's probably because I really care about it. In some cases, this is true. I'm trying to learn not to do this with people. If I'm afraid of a person, it's likely because I should avoid them - not make myself vulnerable to them. But with other parts of my life, I want to keep chasing fear. It's how I've been able to make music for so many years, and how I've been able to perform that music. I care about it more than anything. It scares me more than anything. Thats how I know it's what I should be doing. When I doubt the value of my music, I have my fear to remind me I'm on the right path. Right now, I am so scared. I'm scared to release this album. I'm scared to go on tour. I'm scared I'm doing it all wrong. I scared I'll always be doing it all on my own and I'm scared that won't be enough. I'm scared these songs aren't going to be understood. I'm scared that evern if they are, they won't be appreciated. I'm scared of being mediocre. I'm scared that even if my songs are good enough, that I'm not good enough in some other way. Maybe I'm not powerful enough, or charming enough, or young enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough. Maybe my voice isn't pretty enough or maybe my guitar playing isn't impressive enough. Maybe I just didn't raise enough money to make an album that will be successful. I'm scared I won't even recognize success if it hits me in the face... for that matter, maybe it already has. What is success, anyway? I'm afraid I'll always be afraid. Atleast if I'm afraid, I'll know I'm doing something right.